I’m meant to be writing about the project, I’m behind with the words and the pictures are taking so long to edit.  There is so much to do and right now I’m sitting here just falling apart for the millionth time this month. She died one year ago tomorrow and I can’t pull myself together. I’m so tired, I’m sadder than I can remember, I have felt like this for so, so long, to the point where I feel I can’t even tell anyone any moreI’m a broken record, going round and round and round. Every time I think I’m getting there I’m smashed back down again and I’m so tired of getting up. I don’t even care who reads this anymore, or what they think. I’m a schizophrenic to grief, I’m fine, I’m not, I’m broken, I mend, I look so bad. I cant remember what it’s like to look in the mirror and feel like myself, I’m permanently marked by the results of this strain, I’m scared it will scar me. I haven’t taken a self-portrait since May because I simply can’t stand myself anymore. I need this to stop. I need someone to take it away. No one talks about her anymore, I feel like the only one who cries about her, she is everywhere, inside me, around me, fused into my soul, my shadow….. my heart beat…..my everything.

I would give anything be my old self again, take me back 3 years before she was ill or I was ill, before any of the pain had begun. I feel like I can’t get through another day, I just want to sleep until I can’t remember anymore….. I miss her so much.