I’m not sure where this has come from, or why I chose to write it all down, but lately I have spent a lot of time walking instead of taking buses or the tube. I’ve had things on my mind, and I suppose its my way of facing all the emotions in my head. There are some days when I walk home through the streets feeling so detached from all that surrounds me I sometimes wonder if I could just dissolve. Like standing in borrowed shoes, I no longer seem to touch the sides of my shell. My soul is loose in its skin, something has shifted and suddenly so much of what was normal, now feels alien and unnecessary. Each night I follow the same familiar path across the city to the station. It’s when I try to pull myself together, when my mind wanders back through all I have felt – my demons, my dreams, my innermost thoughts. Like walking backwards light and colour slip behind me, whilst I can only push forward through the grey crowds of commuters. I’m numbed by the music deep in my ears…..It separates me further, leaving only my collisions with others to remind me I am truly here.

My heart beat thuds in my chest as my body is swallowed by shadow and dragged back by lamplight. This sudden strange solitude, an absence of self…envelopes me, it follows my footsteps and clings to my side. Neon reflects in my eyes as I watch people’s expressions, their second glances, hand gestures and touch;… these fine threads of interaction spun from one person to the next.

I make my way towards London Bridge avoiding beggars and the smack of free papers thrust into my side. I pass tourists, bankers, bus stops and bars; count steps, skip cracks, jump drains and always cross the road in the same place. I’ve come to realise I love this city – I suppose I never gave it a chance, never took the time to stop and breathe it in. I was always looking at my feet, rushing to get home, pushing it away instead of embracing its chaotic energy. Now things feel different and I’m not sure why, but I’m glad it’s happening to me.

As the buildings slowly begin to fall away and the river breaks the horizon; the sky is blown open violent and vast when I finally reach the bridge. I like to pause and watch the hairstyles and coats explode with the sudden gusts that greet each new group that crosses, a smile creeps over my lips…..

This is my favourite place; I love the rush of air against my skin….. to hold onto the stone and let my body be blown left and right like a paper bag, whilst the wind dances in my hair. I am electrified by this cityscape,…… it leaves me breathless. There’s a sense of possibility I can’t explain, like my spirits are swept up with the wind and suddenly, somehow I am renewed, my feelings are heightened. At times this drama makes my heart heavier, on other days I feel a release, like cutting the string to a kite. Either way It reminds me of the blood rushing through my veins, that sense of unease and anticipation that keeps me alive.

From where I stand you can see the train carriages on Waterloo Bridge, the light from their windows streams past in a distant blur of fluorescent white ….. every now and then sparks fly from the tracks and fall down into the dark ink of the river below. Ahead, a half moon hangs low in the new March sky, illuminating the skeletons of cranes against the dark dome of St Paul’s, whilst police boats and barges silently slice the reflections of Tower Bridge. Sometimes it feels like it is all too much, to absorb all of this…… the music, my thoughts, the lights,….. the missed portraits that constantly pass me by. My fingers tighten around the little compact camera I keep in my pocket – what if I have missed that perfect moment I am always looking for?

I don’t know why this place is so emotional, I used to belong to the surge of blank bodies that surround me, I never stopped, I never looked up – how could anyone have missed this, in all its brutal beauty? Why is this happening now? Sometimes I think too much, I know this, and I can’t always explain why it takes me over in such a way…….but then I stop worrying and let go…. ………………………

I close my eyes, face the wind, and let it all in at once……and it flows,…. it flows,……and it flows through me, like rain………………..

Hometown glory