Broken ……

Nowadays I find myself hesitate before writing the truth down ….. but I can’t change what this is. Like taking the photos… this is me, my soul, my heart, the things I want to remember… come what may. Tonight the highs of the magazine seem washed away by my loss of her yet again. Its raining… it hasn’t stopped for what feels like days, and my heart is drowning in this swirl of memories.

I had to come home from work early again …. some days there is no hope, I am still so weak at times. Wonderland has become so much more than a project… maybe its my alternative world, somehow it comforts me, these storybook lands… these characters. I sometimes just sit and look at the colours and the scenes, and wish myself there again… some of those were the happiest days I have had since her death. Tonight I walked home in the rain…  hands in pockets, hood up ……headphones blocking out the real world. Grey shapes pass, slide, splash my shoes, cold air against my sore skin…  antibiotics fill my system… music fills my ears. I dream of new pictures…. beautiful creatures, colours… magical woods and distant star lit snow. Where would I be without my camera? It used to be a therapy… now it is a doorway to an enchanted place, where I am me, truly me. At night I see everything so clearly, I dream in hyper reality… the forests are damp under my feet, I see paper mache moons, a pale girl trapped in a snow globe…. Katie dancing in the velvet circus costume I’m making for her. It’s like the pictures are already made, just waiting to be set free with the click of a shutter. This is making no sense….. but I’m beyond caring, I will remember this, and why I needed to write it down. I don’t know where it will end…. any of it, the pictures, the stories… all I know is that there is a sea of it inside me right now… raging, raging, raging.  I want to push harder… make things bigger, embrace it, step away from the conventional….  This is where I can lose my physical self, and be free of this broken shell…and she is there with me…. always… I can feel it……… I can feel it.